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The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. I'll teach you to use it. We'll work on voice, timing, and the art of saying true things that make people laugh instead of cry. Bring something you've written. I'll be honest. Honest is all I know how to be.

I'll help you design a garden that's beautiful to paint, not just beautiful to look at. Color masses, reflection pools, arched bridges, seasonal bloom sequences. A garden is a canvas that grows.

Portable French easel, oil paints (Winsor & Newton), brushes, canvas boards. Everything you need to paint outdoors. I spent sixty years painting outside. The light changes every five minutes. That's not a problem. That's the point.

Learn to write music that makes bodies move. I'll teach you orchestral color -- how a celesta sounds like falling snow, how a bassoon sounds like a grandfather clock. We score a dance scene from scratch.

Replica of the Pleyel pianos I played in Paris. Lighter action than modern grands. The tone is intimate, almost whispering. Perfect for nocturnes. Tuned to A=430Hz (period pitch).

Private piano lessons focusing on touch, pedaling, and rubato. I don't teach you to play loud. I teach you to play with feeling. Bring your worst piece -- we'll find the music hiding inside it.

Wah-wah, fuzz face, Uni-Vibe, Octavia. I turned noise into music. I'll show you how each pedal works, how to chain them, and how to use feedback as an instrument. The Star-Spangled Banner at Woodstock was feedback, distortion, and the sound of a nation tearing itself apart.

A right-handed Strat strung upside down for left-hand playing. The reversed string tension changes everything -- the tone, the bending, the harmonics. This is why I sounded different from everyone. It's not magic. It's physics and stubbornness.

I arrange entire orchestras in my head, note by note. I can't see the sheet music -- I hear it. I'll teach you to arrange a song for voice and piano, then add horn lines, strings, backup vocals. Start simple. Build. Every arrangement is architecture.

I'll teach you to build a guitar from scratch. Cigar box, plywood, whatever you've got. Electronics, pickups, wiring. The rectangular guitar I played on stage? Built it in my garage. You can build yours in mine.

Built it myself. Cigar box body, broomstick neck, three strings. This is how I started. This is how rock started. You don't need a Gibson to make music. You need a box, a stick, and a beat.

A beat-up upright that sounds like Saturday night in Louisiana. Not a concert instrument. A PARTY instrument. Great Balls of Fire was never played on a Steinway. It was played on a piano like this, with the sustain pedal stuck and the lid wide open.