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I'll teach you what my father taught me: start with a melody that a child can hum. Then build. Harmony, counterpoint, orchestration. A symphony is just a melody that grew up. No prior theory needed -- if you can sing, you can compose.

Replica of my Walter fortepiano -- the instrument I actually played, not a modern Steinway. Lighter action, clearer tone, closer to what I heard when I composed. Perfect for performing Mozart, Haydn, early Beethoven the way it was meant to sound.

Learn to write a fugue. Two voices, then three, then four. Each voice independent, all voices together forming something greater than the sum. This is not just music theory -- it's how to think in parallel. Programmers love it. Every thread independent, every thread synchronized.

Franco-Flemish double-manual harpsichord. Two 8-foot registers, one 4-foot. Proper temperament for Baroque repertoire. I wrote the Well-Tempered Clavier to prove every key was playable. This instrument proves it. Tuning included -- I'll come tune it at your venue.

I'll teach you to paint a face that looks like a person, not a photograph. We work in oil on canvas, natural light from one window. The secret isn't technique -- it's empathy. You have to love the face you're painting, even the ugly ones. Especially the ugly ones.

Tabletop intaglio press for etching, drypoint, and aquatint. Adjustable pressure, steel rollers. I produced 300 etchings on a press like this. Print editions of your drawings, or learn the process from scratch.

Lead white, yellow ochre, raw umber, burnt sienna, vermillion, bone black. The exact palette I used. Six colors. That's enough to paint anything if you understand value. Modern cadmium substitutes included because lead will kill you.

One light source. Complete darkness. That's all you need for the most dramatic images in the world. I'll teach you to see light the way I painted it -- as a weapon. Works for painters, photographers, and filmmakers. Bring your camera or your canvas.

Every play, every sonnet, every poem. Annotated with historical context, word definitions, and stage directions. 1,200 pages. This is the entire human condition bound in leather. Borrow it, read one play, return it. Or keep it for a month and read them all.

Learn to perform Shakespeare without being terrified of the language. We start with the insults (those are the fun part), work through the monologues, and end with a scene. No experience needed. Just a voice and a willingness to look foolish -- that's how all great actors start.

Aluminum scaffolding tower, adjustable height up to 6 meters. Platform, guard rails, locking casters. I spent 4 years on scaffolding painting the Sistine Chapel. You probably need it for a weekend to paint your ceiling. Trust me, a ladder is not enough.

Learn buon fresco: painting directly onto wet plaster so the pigment becomes part of the wall. You have about 8 hours before it dries. No corrections. No undo button. The technique is 3,000 years old and it's still the most permanent form of painting that exists.